Loving Me, Loving You

In just over one year, I have gone from a 280 pound size 28 woman to a fairly thin 135 pound woman who can wear a 4/6 easily.  Much ado is made about the fact that I am now a "different person."  Bullshit.  I just look different.  I am different on the outside. 

I have seen many posts online lately especially on my message boards where folks who have lost the weight are expressing their hatred of their former selves.  It makes me sad and angry because I know that the hatred continues inwardly to this day.  Getting thin doesn't fix your self hatred.  You don't magically fall in love with yourself because you are thin.  It only changes the package not the contents.  Some people show very positve improvements in their self-esteem and their dealings after weightloss.  The haters?- they seem to spiral into self-sabotage and risky behavior.

I often did not like the fact that I was fat, but I did not usually did not let it bother me.  It normally took some dumbass bringing it up to throw into my face.  I did not let it stop me from doing much of anything.  I wanted to conquer things even as a fat person and I did.  I always exceeded the low expectation people set for me because of my weight.   I have to say it is mostly easier to conquer as a "normie."  You do have to love yourself in order to truly experience love from another.  People flock to self confidence and your attitude toward your own person.  They pick up the hatred vibe- they pick it up and reflect it right back at you. 

Defy the odds.  Beat the naysayers.  Find a way to love the person that you are and were.  You would not have the facets to your personality had you not lived through the rough years- good facets and bad.  Work on appreciating your remarkable traits- find some, develop some, appreciate some. If you need it, medication and counseling to overcome your loathing is the responsible thing. 

Don't put yourself through surgery and a lifetime of supplementation just to find out that wasn't the problem that needed fixing.  Because no amount of wls surgery or plastic surgery is going to quell the hatred.  Sometimes the fat is only a symptom of the hatred. 

Am I still hard on myself? Damn Skippy I am.  I find the flaws baby.  I self-deprecate.  However, I have always appreciated my inherent worth and value.  I have always looked for things to improve me- college, law school, cake decorating, scrapbooking, the ds, tennis, running.  I like to tackle new projects.

Okay, enough preaching.  I ran another race on labor day.  Even with many hills and a necessary potty break at the half-way point, we still beat our 10k time from 4th of July.  1:27:46 was my chip time for this race which is 14:08 pace.  I have another shirt and this one gave me a hat. 

First plastic surgery consult tomorrow.  Not even sure what I want to ask.  So many questions.  I will return with details.

Comments

[Stuart]

I loved your article! Especially the way it addressed some people self-hatred. If you are fat why hate yourself? If you have lost weight and are no longer fat why hate the old you? You are still you just in a slimmer container. I am a pretty heavy guy but can still run 10k in under the hour - though mu knees give me pain at the end which is why I now focus on rowing!
Thanks for your piece.

[Deluzy (Alison)]

RIGHT ON, SISTER!!!!!

I couldn't agree with you more or said it better myself. If you hate yourself fat, you're going to hate yourself thin and engage in a never-ending quest for other people's approval --even you're a svelte size 0 -- through any possible number of ways: attention-seeking behaviors, endless plastics, inappropriate relationships, WHATEVER.

I so admire and respect your level-headedness, Kim!

Way to go with the latest race, by the way. Woohoo!